Thinking: Ai
by Daelan
Summary: ((Complete)) Kensuke. Angsty. First in the Thinking arc. "The rose is withered now."


Disclaimer: I. Will. Not. Do this! Not again! Besides, if you don't know the drill by now, you don't deserve to be here. So there. *sniff*  
  
A/N: Implied shounen-ai, touch of going-nowhere Daikari, one-sided Kensuke. Wrote this while waiting for my tuition teacher to show,  
so now you know why it's so whacked. ^-^;; I'm thinking of making this a series... from different characters' POVs. All "Thinking," about  
different things. Like how Ken-kun is thinking about ai. Let me know what you think, okay? You know how! The little blue button at the  
bottom of the screen! Don't forget, now! (that rhymes!)  
PS: Someone PLEASE tell me if XV-mon/Flamedramon is a male or female! I mean, it sounds like a female voice, but it looks like a  
male and a lot of fanfics refer to it as a male. So, what is it? I just used female here, but it's not an important part, so don't worry too  
much about it... still, let me know! ^-^  
  
Thinking - Ai  
  
It's been quite some time since... that day. You know when I'm talking about. When Wormmon...  
  
It was a big mistake creating Chimerimon, ne? But I was such a fool back then. To think that I could do something like... that. And  
just look at what happened then. Totally out of my control, ravaging... it destroyed my base, almost. Tore huge, gaping holes in it. I  
ought to have destroyed it completely back then. I mean, when I was me again... but then, I didn't have the means, did I? Wormmon...  
none of the dark-ringed digimon under my power anymore. I sometimes wonder why they didn't turn on me...  
  
Do you think they knew? About... me. The real me. Possible, I suppose. A lot of digimons are smarter than we give them credit for.  
Surprising that I'm the one to make that observation. But it's true.  
  
Daisuke talked me out of suiciding. And XV-mon talked Stingmon out of it. What XV-mon said had nothing to do with Daisuke's  
feelings. They were purely hers. I wonder... could the two of them?...  
  
Well, if they can think, why can't they feel? It's not like anyone definitely said they couldn't, and... they do feel for their partners.  
  
Ai.  
  
It's a strange thing. I don't think I've ever experienced it before, though, so I couldn't tell you for sure. Maybe it's how I feel when I look  
at Daisuke... or that could just be friendship. I honestly don't know. Osamu... maybe he loved me. But I always felt so smothered by him.  
I'm still not sure if I love him. If I ever did.  
  
My parents? They always did love Osamu. And when he... you know... they tried to make me into another Osamu. Stifled me. As in, me.  
The... but you know what I'm going to say. The real me. Is there even such a thing?  
  
First I was Osamu's little brother. Then I was the boy genius. Then the Digimon Kaiser. All for what? Osamu?... because yes, I feel that  
if that digivice had gone to Osamu, he would have become the Digimon Kaiser. Not me. Maybe I was unconsciously emulating him.  
  
Or maybe it was conscious.  
  
Daisuke says he's forgiven me. I'm grateful for it. But the other Children... they haven't. I know. I haven't forgiven myself, either. Leafmon  
has. Even after what I did... but I can't. I don't understand how Daisuke could.  
  
Maybe... ai?  
  
Friendship. After all, he holds the crest. It might explain why Miyako forgave me, too. Well, sort of. Distrust still comes to her eyes,  
occasionally. And who could blame her? Imagine, the holder of Love and Purity... at least it's gotten her off my back. Finding out who I  
was.  
  
I must have cut a pretty pathetic image, when it happened. Huddled over Wormmon, practically tearing my hair out in anguish. You  
would think a boy genius could have figured out the truth. But no... it took Wormmon, that same creature I used to kick around, to  
bring me to my senses. I never before realised that digimon were as real as me.  
  
No. Real as Daisuke. I don't know if I'm real or not, so I can't truthfully compare them to me. That's almost an insult to them.  
  
Daisuke... now he's another thing. He makes me feel strange. Ai isn't possible... not him. So. Where does that leave us? I know I would  
like for us to be more than friends. But he has his heart set on Hikari-san.  
  
Any fool could see that Hikari-san and Takeru-san were meant to be together. But "giving up," just isn't in Daisuke's vocabulary. So he  
persists after her, unaware of how irritated Hikari gets when he chases her. Like a love-sick puppy.  
  
It hurts, seeing him do that. So I guess it's possible. That I love him, I mean. But he doesn't return the feeling, that much is for sure.  
Especially after that night... Kami-sama, why did she have to hurt him so? Just turn him down, then. Tell him she and Takeru were going  
out. But not this! Accepting a date with him, then standing him up deliberately and letting him see her with Takaishi-san. That's hurt him  
as much as seeing him chase after her hurts me.  
  
I hate her right now. But I understand why she did it. She has told Daisuke about Takaishi and herself. He just refuses to listen. He  
always did. That's no excuse... but that's why she did it. He had to see, with his own eyes. But why in so cruel a fashion?  
  
The rose lies on my floor as he sobs into my chest. A strange time to think of such things. But what of it? Daisuke... my only friend. My  
koibito. Even if he doesn't know it.  
  
The rose is withered now.  
  
How can she be so blind? Not to see his beauty, his vulnerability. Tomorrow, he will turn up, smiling as usual, pretending that night never  
happened. Hikari will look sad, Takaishi will be moping, Iori and Miyako will have no clue. And I... the supportive friend, always.  
  
Tomorrow, he will cry into my chest again. And I will hate Hikari all over again.  
  
Three weeks now. He's cried for three weeks over her. I really don't have any hope, do I?  
  
I love his name. How I can play with it... twist it...  
  
"Daisuke... dai suki da..."  
  
~owari~ 


End file.
